I barely keep up with my online columns. There are days my life looks blurry and smeary and unclear.
Thus begins my pity party.
But I don't stress over it nor feel guilty. There was a time I wrote lots and lots. And was published lots and lots. I used to delight in taking, downloading, logging, updating, sharing photos on my blog. Today the very thought exhausts me.
God has led me into a desert. And I'm good with that because I know it is His will. Even in this desert I see an oasis and, during a random discussion with one of my daughters today, I was given a pair of binoculars to see it better. It was a refreshing view.
I remain ever hopeful.
If I'm honest with myself, this is me in a nutshell.
I so do like comfort. Gosh, I really do. :-)
But my parents raised me with a dutiful work ethic and an accountability to God. So I press forward.
Then I am weakened when I see others doing so much more, accomplishing so much more, writing so well and fruitfully.
It's all God's accomplishments. Not ours.
If I'm honest with myself, I'm perfectly content to gaze upon this and collect his smiles. And do nothing more. Wish for nothing more.
I pretty much go day by day.
My ever fluid, ever flexible weekly schedule looks like this (for the most part):
Monday: Homeschool Co-op (8:30-3:00)
Home and Supper
Tuesday: Office Work (8:00-10:00)
Watch Hudson/Homeschool Annie (10:30-12:30)
4-H/ Girls' Club/Outside Activities/ Playdates/ Appointments made (ie: Dental, etc.) (1:00-3:00)
Home and Supper
Wednesday: Homeschool (8:00-10:00)
Work Day (10:00-1:00)
Lunch and Sanity Time (1:00-3:00)---have I mentioned what a low-impact person I am? My sanity time is absolutely necessary.
Thursday: Office Work or Monthly Meeting (8:00-10:00)
Watch Hudson/Homeschool Annie/ Home Activities/ Annie's Dance Lessons/
A little writing? (10:30-6:00)
Friday: Home all day to watch godson and grandson. A little writing? It's a play day for all of us and I'm learning to embrace it and make MayMay's memories a reality. In the end, all I need is my family.
It's a day by changing day flux.
But...because there is always a 'but'...God calls me to something more.
There's a great quote by one of my favorite writers, Erma Bombeck:
“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.”
That's pretty much where I want to be. God has already given me all the tools, setting, and opportunities towards accomplishing my goals. I'd be foolish to waste them.
I have a husband who supports me in every way. He encourages me and believes in me. He is also my benefactor. Artistic people usually don't survive without a benefactor. History proves it.
I've got my own little creative cave to retreat to. I have resources and the support and the means. God has gifted that.
The rest is up to me.
And that's where I fall.
I'm overwhelmed by all I want to do, by what all I want to accomplish.
I need uninterrupted time to accomplish it all.
And my life. is. filled. with. interruptions. unbelievably. blessedly. filled. with. interruptions.
Right now (look back at Friday's schedule) my 2 year old godson Seth is driving cars and trucks all over my living room floor. He is under Annie's eye as she works on her school work. Hudson is sound asleep in his swing with a dry diaper and a full belly and a quiet melody playing overhead.
What I don't get done will be my own damn fault and I'll have to answer to God if I didn't use the time and talent he gave me.
It's still a hard call because when I do have these "time zones", I find myself overwhelmed with all I have to do, with all I want to do, with all I need to do, with all I'm expected to do, with all I desire to do that I find myself almost incapable of movement. I tell myself I need only choose one project; but I keep pressing the pause button.
- I have several writing projects I want to finish. Several. (I want even begin to list them because it would blow your mind...lol)
- I want to be a very good MayMay.
- I want to read so many books I don't even know where to start.
- I have my paying part-time job that is extra nice because I can work from my home office when I must and the hours are outrageously flexible but it still taps me on the shoulder with reminders of all the creative things I want to do there and certain duties that I cannot allow to overwhelm me but must move forward.
- I am committed to our homeschool co-op as long as we are homeschooling. That community forms my lifeline of kindred spirits that I need to nourish my spiritual self.
- I would like to keep up with all the conclave activity and pope election stuff and do a pope lapbook with Annie but it'll be over in a blink of an eye and we'll have missed it.
- I want to watch EWTN more and yet I hardly watch TV. Even when we're all in the living area watching it, I'm either talking, jumping up to do something, or thinking of all the things I'm not doing because I'm sitting there.
- I want to take courses towards spiritual direction courses but God will have to oversee that because I don't have the money or time for such extravagance.
- I want to catch-up and do even better and fulfill my promise to Annie by doing more of those amazing nature walks/ studies we planned at the beginning of the school year.
- I would like to study things I've never gotten around to studying and immerse myself in great literature that I've never been able to do any more than skim through it.
- I want to take a month-long Ignatian retreat. Not. gonna. happen. any. time. soon.
- I have a webinar to do Thursday after a root canal. How. did. I. schedule. that. mess-up? How does one do a webinar anyway????
- I need to organize my office. Again.
- I want to reread Gone with the Wind and finish reading Les Miserables.
- I want to set-up my outside area for springtime planting and bbq and enjoyment.
- I want to read all the Popes' encyclicals.
- I want to redo all the FIAR books with Annie because I didn't do as thorough a job as when I did it with Chelsea.
- I need to clean up our bedroom. Desperately.
- I need to Easter basket shop.
- And there's the ever weekly necessities such as: shopping, paying bills, doing laundry loads, transporting kids, cooking, making appointments, picking up the slack....and having to a have a root canal. Blah!
What I don't get done will be my own fault.
What I do get done will be because God wills it.
And that is my total, random, unadulterated brain dump. I'm hopeful that spitting it all down here will give me the freedom to pick-up my work bag and move on.
And Celebrate Everything! :)