Friday, April 13, 2012

I Prefer Small Spaces and Glowing Candles

I've decided I'm going to write today. I have this chunk of time to write and, though I don't know what I'm going to write or if I have any audience left, I am going to write.

Honestly, I haven't "felt" like writing much and am thoroughly discouraged over anything I "do" write. I read lots of other expressive thoughts, sentiments, ideas, etc. on the Internet and it makes me feel void of adding anything to that. There's so much out there!!! I almost heckle at the idea that I can possibly add anything to the ever-increasing ruckus and that's pretty much how I've lived my life...pussyfooting backwards into the shadow of everyone else's thoughts, words, and ideas.

Some may call it lack of confidence.

It isn't. By no means.

Let me explain.

When I was younger I was called shy. Maybe. Introvert. Maybe. My writing let's me speak without people misunderstanding me, without people assuming anything about me, without people speaking up for me.

But one thing I have always been sure of is who I am, what I wanted, and that I have been loved unconditionally all my life. My parents gave me that confidence. My husband and children have nourished it.

I've struggled, like everyone, in different areas, but I've always known who I am, what I wanted, and that I was loved.

That gets a person pretty far in life.

Far? you say! Far? You still live in the same town you were born in. You still live near your parents. You have never made enough money in your life to support yourself, much less a family! You haven't written a best seller.

The world wants to beat us down, doesn't it?

Don't give it permission to do so. Stand up to it.

Contentment is a far greater thing than Confidence.

I may walk in the shadows of others but I know where I stand and who I am.  If I find myself in the shadows it's because I choose to be there. I don't like bright-lights or cameras and it isn't lack of confidence at all. I like the peace. I don't need lights, cameras, and action to feel important or to know who I am and what I'm about.

Every now and then I step out of the shadows and add a few thoughts. Every now and then I publish a book (it's been a while). Every now and then the mama bear in me has had to bare her teeth. But, for the most part, I can never understand why people are not comfortable in their own space, their own skin.

I prefer small glowing candles. I am at peace with an occassional moth that flies into its light. Soft candles beckon me to come out of the shadows and sit a spell. I prefer one-on-one conversations with my friends at their homes and mine with so many children running throughout. I like intimate community life around the kichen island at Monday co-op classes and a room full of religious education instructors rather than corporate rat races. I thrive in the bosom of family rather than social upheaval. A conversation with a son while sitting on a car bumper or a conversation with a daughter while collecting eggs from the chicken coop brings me bubbling forth more than being handed a microphone.

I prefer small to big, except when it comes to family and friends; I'm a contradiction of self that way. ;-)

Actually, my family is enough for me.

Dull! Boring! Maybe.

But I am content. I know who I am. What I want. What I'm about. And that I am loved unconditionally by so many people. This knowledge alone makes me step out in faith. Into the Light!

Which brings me to the Mommy Wars which were ignited again by the comment of Hilary Rosen against Ann Romney.

I wasn't going to go there. I usually don't have the time. But, since I have a chunk of time to write...maybe I will go there.


  1. You still have an audience. :) I mean, a readership, as I feel more like we are chatting over a cup of coffee. :) Thank you for sharing.

  2. I'm still reading, too:-) One of the joys of a feed reader, it doesn't matter how infrequently people post...


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